The average student living on the Florida Poly campus was bound by the geological restrictions of the campus’s location for years now.
It takes 15 minutes to get to the nearest Walmart from campus, and another 15 to go back. That’s half an hour of total driving. Or, if you take the shuttle, you get a single day out of the week to do all your grocery shopping.
It’s no better for commuters living in Lakeland, who could live up to 20 or 25 minutes away from campus. I wondered, why exactly is the location of this university in such an awkward place?
Answering this question required a substantial amount of digging around. I was able to contact a former member of the construction team, Pepe Silvia, who moved away to Siberia after quitting the construction team for undisclosed reasons. At first, he was shocked that someone knew his name, but he was happy to explain over a video call.
“Those bastards, I tell you, they have been planning something. Do you think they would plan your university’s location without having some sort of, some sort of ulterior motives? For years now, the higher ups have discretely been laying out the patterns to an ancient symbol known as the Tree of Life. I’m no religious man anymore, but supposedly it represents the spiritual path of ascent by man. They have been doing this to harvest the souls of the university’s students to build their path towards the heavens. But here’s the deal: they were wrong. They messed with forces that they should not have, and now the place is cursed. The curse, you may ask? Forcing students to pay more for gas by moving the entire city of Lakeland away from the university! For all eternity!”– Pepe Silvia, former construction worker for Florida Polytechnic University
That was all that could be extracted from Silvia. Frankly, I am having a lot of trouble writing this article and relistening to my audio recordings of the interview. Is this curse related to why driving to Orlando is faster than two round-trips to Walmart? Perhaps in next week’s issue, I will find the answers we’ve all been looking for.