As climate change causes water levels rise above our ankles, many students have noticed the preparations our school has been taking to ensure the survival of (some) of the student body. The university president has been single-handedly building the ARC since Fall 2019 to ensure that the great flood won’t wipe us (all) out.

When asked for comment, University President Noah said:

“Since the genesis of this institution, we have been committed to serving in the name of our STEM overlords, no matter what the weather might be like outside. It is by their request that I must take two and only two students of every major aboard the ARC before the flood.”

President Noah

Two students from each major will be selected to board the ship. Students in each major will compete in a series of games designed to test aptitude; winners will advance into the next round, while losers will be sacrificed to Aziraphale in vain hopes for survival. Each round will get more challenging, with the final round leaving only two winners for each major.

The two winners from each major will then immediately board the ARC as they watch the Earth slowly revert to being an endlessly blue expanse, just as it was ~3.2 billion years ago.

The ship will be captained by History Professor James Dennis, who has extensive boating and maritime experience, along with his TA and future First Mate, who asked to not be identified by name for fear of retaliation.

All students are required to participate. The event will start promptly at 9:15am on Oct. 17th, 2021. Free food will be provided to students.

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David Kozdra

David Kozdra is a computer science student at Florida Polytechnic University. He is the Treasurer of the Media Club, Head of Outreach of the Baked Bean Bois improv group, and the Cohost of the Poly Pod podcast.

Tyler Connelly

Tyler Connelly is a Staff Writer for Layers Media. He enjoys fine stationery and making games.

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